I’m not sure what is compelling me to share this information, but I really want to admit some of my fears. They are normally things I don’t really care to discuss–mostly because I worry others will think they are crazy. Maybe they really aren’t strange and maybe you have similar fears that I do, I’m not sure if I have decided to share my fears with hopes that one of you have the same fears that I do, if I hope that you will tell me that I am indeed crazy to worry about these things, or if you will let me know that my fears aren’t petty or weird at all. So here goes….my list of fears.
I am afraid that no one will come to my funeral when I die.
I know this sounds so insecure and selfish, doesn’t it? What a crazy fear to have! But it’s something I worry about. I guess there are moments, usually on days I’m feeling down and lonely, I worry that the funeral home would be empty.
I fear that I will live longer than my husband.
I worry about living without Eric. I know I’d get through it, like others that have been through the loss of a spouse have. I am afraid of this, though. I can be independent and have lived alone in the past, but I really don’t want to be alone and worry about it.
I worry if I talk too much about our successes (as a family or my individual ones) that all the good things in our life will start to disappear or something awful will happen.
I think about this fear more than the others. It sounds crazy, but I worry if I would brag or share any of my achievements often with others, it will be taken away somehow. I should be proud of our success, but I try not to share with too many friends or too often. I am grateful and thank God every day for all he’s provided for me and our family.
I am fearful that if I’m not working at a job that pays money, I’m not seen as contributing to my family.
I worry if I’m not bringing in some cash, I’m not contributing to our household. Yes, I know that being a stay-at-home mom is a ton of work and a job in itself. But when I wasn’t working, I felt like I was spending Eric’s money on things, rather than our money on things. He could care less if I purchase things, but I put the anxiety on myself about spending money he’s earning.
I am afraid to share my ideas and write more.
I worry about whether my writing is good enough, makes any difference, or even gets read often. Writing makes me happy and I enjoy it, and that should be enough. I still fear that my posts are just a bunch of nonsense for many.
Do you share any of these fears? Or maybe you have others that you also think/know are a bit on the unrealistic side? I think about my fears, and I know I can re-frame my thoughts and remind myself that I have a lot of friends and surely many would attend my funeral, that it’s OK to be proud of what I have, that not working at a paying job doesn’t mean I’m not contributing to this family–but these fears still pop up in my mind.
I know that these fears are just what I create for myself in my mind. Hopefully one day, I’ll get over these ones that I’ve created; and any fears you’ve created for yourself will disappear as well.